Intimacy Lyrics by Trip Lee

It’s way too many times, I’m staying off on the grind
In other areas and I bury You in my mind
Then my life starts getting terrible, scarier and I find
Myself trying to get near to You, but You was here all the time
But I was having my share of affairs with things You designed
Kind of like a bad marriage, it’s scary it’s like I’m blind
And I’m praying You’d help me, hold me, and make me focus
I know that when I’m lacking You I’m more than hopeless
Mold this wicked heart to delight in Your precious person
Fighting, confessing, searching for Christ and lessons for learning
It ain’t even nothing good in me that I might show You
But I can see that eternal life’s that I might know You
I want to know You, be close to the God who saved me
And raised me, I pray we can be much closer
And I- I can embrace the beautiful life that You gave me
I count it all loss, Lord, that I might know ya

There’s a longing for Your love
Not just a moment, intimate touch
There’s a longing for Your love
Not just a moment, intimate touch

I’m longing for Your endless love
The knowledge of who You are
The truth that lies within Your Word
Show my heart who You are”

God is so good! It is such a beautiful gift to have the promise of God, who knows everything about me and still loves me. It is mind boggling to think that as he created the universe he knew the day that I would take my first breath.  The lyrics from the song above really impacted me  and brought on a bout of tears . I couldn’t help it because the lyrics reflected something that my heart feels. I long for God’s love! Even as my heart longs for him it is distracted by other things and tries to find other ways to fill that longing. I thought of Psalm 139 and how grateful it makes me to know that God has placed it in the Bible for us to read and reflect on. It was written by a man who was deeply flawed but divinely used by God, and serves a reminder to me that though I am ” prone to wander” his love for me NEVER changes. He knows me better than I know myself.

       ”O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.” Ps.139:1-3

I love these verses because they remind me of how connected God is to me. Even if I were to try to hide anything it just isn’t possible. There is a freedom in knowing this. At least for me, it is freedom to know that despite my shortcomings, for they are many, he has a deep love for me. Praise God for his steadfast love:)

For quite sometime, God has placed a desire in my heart to read and reflect on the stories of the women He used. It is hard for me to read the Bible but I am continually compelled to do so. Part of the reason that it is hard is because I am easily distracted by other things. At times, it is a willingly found distraction and other times life just happens. Last year, Natalie led a D-group that specifically focused on the women of the Bible and  has been kind enough to lend me the book she used.

The story of Hagar has always been a bit of a puzzle for me. Truth be told, the idea of Sarai giving Hagar to her husband to conceive a child has been perplexing  and has made me feel a little sorry for Hagar. Sarai will become the mother of a numerous nation, and not just any nation but one favored by the all mighty God. In Genesis 15, God makes a covenant with Abram giving him confirmation that he will have an heir.

And Behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir, your very own son shall be your heir.” Gen. 15:4

Maybe things were different during the times of Abram but Sarai must have known that God made this promise to Abram. “Your very own son shall be your heir.”  The words that stand out to me are “Your very own son” because this is a very specific promise. So if Sarai knew this then why did she give Hagar to Abram! Maybe my interpretation of the Word is off but it seems like Sarai wanted to fix the problem herself and Abram consented. It reminds me of Adam and Eve and the fall.  Adam ate from the apple that Eve offered him. Sarai offered her servant woman, Hagar, and Abram did as she suggested.  I referred to Adam and Eve because it is interesting to me but my point is actually that Sarai seems to demonstrate her lack of trust in God.

It is a struggle that all face but when it comes to women this struggle has a different spin. Thinking of my own life, I find myself battling my doubt that God will come through with his promises. My response to this doubt is “I have to fix it”.  I try to justify by telling myself that perhaps this is what God wants though my heart insists that it’s not.

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, ” Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go into my servant; it may be that I shall obtain Children by her .” And Abram Listened to the voice of Sarai.” Gen 16: 1-2

Now Sarai partially gets what she wants because Hagar does get pregnant but is unhappy with the results. Hagar is not entirely innocent though we don’t really know how she treated Sarai  in retrospect she is still a servant. The social hierarchies and rules were immensely complex but from what I understand Hagar could never gain the equal status of Sarai and so should have shown respect to Sarai. This plays up on other struggles that plagues women, jealousy, pride and envy.   Hagar probably doesn’t hide her pride that she is able to conceive and Sarai can not ( I mean look at how many stories in Bible touch on this subject!) Sarai must have felt some level of jealousy and envy. The kind that really grates and hurts. Sarai seems to have taken it out on Abram by trying to blame him and then let it out on Hagar because she could. Hagar was fleeing from the whole situation. A situation that must have been terrible enough to have her wandering the desert in desperation.This part of the story, Gen 16:7-15, shows me that God is really awesome.  Who knows if Hagar believes in God or not but God still extends his compassion towards her. He sends his angel to her and treats her gently.

Reflecting on this story allows me to see the strongholds that Satan tries to use against women and how easy it is for us to fall as prey to them. I feel that God wants to show me that despite the fact that some of these women in the Bible were indeed great but they also struggled. Times are totally different but underneath the modernism Satan uses the same old tricks. My goal is to try and be more aware of these strongholds.